How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend (we’re both 20) has absolutely enormous balls. I haven’t gotten out a tape measure or anything, but they’re noticeably bigger than other guys I’ve been with. I find it sexy, and tried to incorporate some dirty talk about how big and virile they were, but BF just burst out laughing and stopped for a moment. Turns out he thought I was joking, not doing dirty talk.
That is pretty much the exact opposite reaction I wanted, and I’m still not sure where I went wrong. Complimenting partners on something they do or have that you find sexy is the basis of it, isn’t it? How can I dirty talk better?
— Aw Nuts
Dear Aw Nuts,
The worth of a compliment depends on its ability to be received. A lot of people find balls inherently funny, which means serious praise could then read as an extension of the cosmic joke that placed an external flesh sock containing extremely sensitive organs between roughly half of the population’s legs. It’s also completely natural for you to eroticize and be turned on by your partner’s genitals. Without knowing the exact context, it’s hard to say whether or not you did anything “wrong” syntactically (the word “virile,” for example, might sound more formal than sensual, if in fact you did use it), but broadly speaking, your intentions were good. You identified something about your partner that you think is hot and you praised him for it. That is, indeed, how this usually goes. If for only the sake of not causing a distraction, you might want to scale down going forward. Saying, “I love your balls,” or even, “…your big balls,” may go down easier than something more specific. And then maybe when things have cooled down, you could follow up (“I do really love your balls”) and see what his reaction is. It’ll probably be easier to get his perspective in a non- or less sexual setting. If he’s not going to be able to wrap his head around your love of his balls, you probably will want to ease up a bit (if not entirely), but maybe it’s just an idea that will take some time for him to get used to. Maybe he never thought of his balls as praiseworthy until you introduced him to the concept.
I understand that his reaction to your attempt at dirty talk confused you (I even detect possible shame in your question), but sometimes laughter during sex isn’t meant to make one person feel bad but to comment overall on the places our passion takes us. Realizing in the moment how things might look or sound from an outside perspective can prompt giggles. Levity is generally a good thing, so you could always try laughing along, even when you’re serious. Big balls are great, but it’s not that deep, ya know?
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a man who’s been dating my new girlfriend for about four months. From the beginning, the sex was good—we like the same dynamics, she’s beautiful and generous and thoughtful in bed, and game to try and introduce new things.
Before her, I was in my first and only relationship with a man. I’d always assumed I was pan, having been with a lot of women before him. For the past few weeks, I cannot stop thinking about him in bed—-his face or his dick or his dirty talk will flash in my head while I’m inside her or going down on her, and I can’t shake it. I can’t tell where this came from, or if it will go away.
For context, this relationship is calm and communicative and affectionate, while that one was a roller coaster of repression (from him) where the only constant was three years of mind-melting sex every single time. Since this is a new problem, I can’t tell how to rewire myself — is it the stability of the new relationship? Am I actually not into women? How do I get to the bottom of this? I want to be present with my girlfriend now, who actually treats me well and who I want to treat well in return. How do I do it?
— Distracted
Dear Distracted,
I’m here to help, but first I have a question for you. Would you be satisfied if, upon assessing some 200 words on your life, I diagnosed you as not into women, definitively? You might be lost, but you’re not that lost, and, however unfortunately, you’re going to have to find yourself through experience. It’s possible that you had a stronger connection with the person that preceded your current girlfriend, and that this connection just happened to be with a guy. Some people you click with better on a sexual level than others. Some relationships require you to acknowledge that while the sex isn’t everything you’ve ever wished for, other elements of the relationship compensate for that and make the union worth preserving.
It is also quite possible, of course, that you aren’t into women, or not to the degree that you thought you were—at least right now. I don’t see enough evidence, though, to assume your interest is operating on anything other than a person-to-person basis. That sounds mighty pan to me.
My very superficial take , given such a pithy description (no shade—that’s what an advice column calls for) is that you’re hung up on this dude, perhaps not “over” him, and maybe the drama he brought to the table was part of what was so intoxicating. And now you’re in a heterosexual pairing with a stable person who treats you well and that’s nice and all but … you miss the fireworks, despite (or maybe make that because of) the risk of getting one shot off in your eye. Could you find better sex with another partner, irrespective of their gender? It’s possible! But you also might find better sex with your current partner if you put in some work. Your girlfriend may be experiencing similar feelings of disengagement that could be rectified by a conversation (or several of them). Also, it’s fairly common to fantasize about other people during sex with your partner, something that a social psychologist, Kinsey Institute research fellow Justin Lehmiller, an expert on fantasies, doesn’t even think is a bad thing. You may find that as your relationship intensifies with this woman, your thoughts of and feelings for your ex wane. You may find they never wane. Only time and experience will give you clarity, so hang in there and be present as you feel your way through.
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Dear How to Do It,
My girlfriend and I like having period sex. We’ve both been tested, and we’re in a closed, monogamous relationship, so there’s no risk either of us might give the other an STI. Not only does this help with her cramps, it also satisfies both of our bloodplay kinks without moving into more risky territory, which is something I’m not comfortable with doing. This is something we’re both satisfied with, and something we both enjoy. She gives enthusiastic consent, and I also really enjoy it myself, in part because of roleplaying and in part because I love her and love making her feel good.
I kind of assumed this was a normal-ish thing for couples where at least one member of the couple experiences menstruation. However, we were drinking and playing a game with some close friends the other night, and one of the questions had to do something with kinks or something, and my GF mentioned liking period sex, in part because of bloodplay. At the time, there didn’t seem to be any problems with her saying that, we’ve talked about worse with these friends, but I’ll admit I wasn’t fully checked into the conversation since I was ordering dinner.
Now, one of her friends is trying to convince us that this isn’t normal and we need to go to therapy, because liking blood isn’t a normal thing. I completely get that blood isn’t everyone’s thing, and I can understand why others are squeamish about it. I’m even super squeamish about it when it doesn’t relate to my girlfriend’s period.
Is this abnormal? I don’t think it is, but I haven’t been able to find any statistics on how common it is. Is this a “get thee to therapy” type of thing? I’m having trouble figuring out whether these are valid concerns or not, because my GF insists it’s OK, and I trust her, but I want another opinion from someone who has no horses in this race. I would ask my therapist, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about sex-related stuff to people who know me unless we’re close friends.
— Dracula
Dear Dracula,
Is this friend of your girlfriend endowed with any particular authority on sexuality, kink, and/or blood? I’m going to assume no, since you didn’t say, “my girlfriend’s AASECT-certified friend” or “my girlfriend’s dominatrix friend” or “my girlfriend’s phlebotomist friend.” Sounds like garden-variety kink-shaming to me from someone who is ignorant, hypocritical, or boring, which is to say that she’s nobody worth listening to. What she said to your girlfriend was shitty, but it’s always good to consider the source. In this case, the next natural step is to commence ignoring that source.
As with most kinks, it’s going to be hard to produce data, but hematolagnia (or sexual interest in blood play) is not unheard of—Google pulls up several trend pieces on the kink, which is generally classified under the BDSM umbrella. In terms of prevalence (and this is a rough estimation) it probably falls somewhere between cross-dressing and dacryphilia (arousal from tears/crying)—so it’s either on the normal side of abnormal or the abnormal side of normal. Whatever “normal” means.
My take is that by playing with menstrual blood, you’re upcycling a material that would otherwise be discarded via tampon, pad, or cup. That’s economical and efficient. You’re totally fine.
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Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I have been married for more than 20 years. We have a great and very satisfying sex life. However, we are both turned on by the idea of watching other (heterosexual) couples engaged in live sex. There is something about it that feels more exciting to us than watching recorded amateur porn. Can you suggest any online sites where we could watch live sex? We would be fine with paying for access and would even prefer it to make sure it is ethical and that the “performers” receive a benefit.
— Like to Watch
Dear Like to Watch,
You two sound like fun. But in this case, your fun is your fun and my fun is my fun, so I had to poke around to produce suggestions. My writing partner Jessica Stoya, who knows a lot about ethical porn, told me that Manyvids and Cam Soda are popular with the cam girls—you can see that Cam Soda (site obviously NSFW) allows you to filter cams to only see those labeled “couples.” Are they actually live, per se? I guess if they say so! I’ve read Adult Friend Finder can also provide this kind of content. Another thing to think about: Toronto’s “sexually adventurous social club” Oasis Aqualounge offers a (paid) feed from many (if not all) of its parties. The popular recurring sex party Killing Kittens also does virtual parties (I’m not sure what the expectations are for user participation, but I figure at least some people are watching at least some of the time). I saw a directory page of people interested in connecting directly via Skype, which included a couples subcategory. I’m not going to link to it here because I’m extremely not sure of it’s legitimacy, but if you Google “Skype sex,” it should come up first. On that tip, you could consider making direct contact with couples via various online swinger groups (such as the /Swingers subreddit)—what you’re interested in, isn’t unheard of but it’s harder to find than solo cam stuff, and you may have to coordinate to get what you’re looking for. Proceed with caution if you’re planning on turning your camera on yourselves. It’s foolhardy to trust strangers behind a laptop, and you could be recorded. Good luck!
— Rich
More How to Do It
My husband just came clean that he’s been stealing my family and friend’s panties for years. We have been together for three decades. We were having a heart-to-heart talk, and he told me he’s been stealing underwear from my female family and friends. He’s a good man, and I’ve always known he has an underwear fetish. He likes to masturbate with soiled sexy panties, and I’m OK with that. But to steal other people’s, my loved ones’, and do this? Please help. He’s always been loyal. This is absolutely not normal. I’m sickened by it, and feel today disgusted, betrayed, and inadequate. What is wrong with him?
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