The term ‘toxic masculinity,’ keeps getting thrown around, but I was never quite clear on what that was supposed to mean. Being a parent to both young men and young ladies, I wanted to understand. So, I did what we all do and went to the internet to see what the world had to say about it. I kind of wish I hadn’t, because the bulk of the coverage seemed very one-sided.
The ‘Me Too’ movement brought a lot of attention to it, and in many cases, for good reason. A lot of men made bad choices, and in those cases I am glad women found their voice. But since then, the pendulum has swung way too far in the other direction. The guilty actions of a few do not make the majority guilty by association. We can’t just put men in the same wooden crate and stamp ‘toxic’ on the side. It’s not fair.
Now, a lot of good men are almost afraid to look at a woman or have a conversation with a woman without it being misconstrued. Innocent men are afraid to accidentally find themselves in a room alone with a woman in the workplace without being accused of doing something wrong. Too often, they are getting discredited just for being men and it’s getting to the point of ridiculousness.
Let’s set something straight. All masculinity is not toxic.
The vast majority of men wouldn’t dare abuse a woman or treat her unfairly. Unlike the broad definition of ‘toxic masculinity,’ most men are not sexist. Or racist. Or homophobic. Or out of touch with their emotions. They don’t avoid the doctor and refuse to eat their vegetables simply because it’s not ‘manly’ to do so.
We will continue to teach our sons to do things like open a door for a woman. It’s not condescending. It’s being polite. It’s called good manners. It doesn’t mean they have no appreciation for the feminist movement. In fact, most men I know advocate for women and put a woman’s needs far before their own.
I’m perfectly capable as a woman of being the provider, protector, and head of my household. I did all of those things myself when I was a single mom, and I did it well. But I don’t want to play that part. I want my man to do that. That doesn’t make me weak, and it doesn’t make my husband feel like he has some masculine power over me. It’s just the way we roll.
I had to laugh, wondering if Jesus were physically living here now, what label would our world put on him, by today’s standards? Would people call him toxic? He had long hair. He drank wine. He was a carpenter, who likely had blisters on his hands and dirt on his clothes. He disliked politics. He was basically homeless. He broke all the rules set by social standards to do what was right, even though it wasn’t popular. He hung out with the outcasts of society. But guess what? He also respected and honored women and children in a time when they were not highly regarded, and taught others to do the same. You can be masculine and still treat people with love, respect, and empathy.
I think it’s sexy when a man hunts for his own food and defends his own home. I love when my husband comes home from a hard day of work with callouses on his hands, splits a pile of wood, and has a beer with me by the campfire. We still need men with oil on their clothes, sweat on their brow, dirt under their nails, a Bible in their hands, hair on their chest, and a gun on their hip.
You might say, wait a minute! What are you implying about people who aren’t like that? What are you trying to say about Me Too and the feminist movement? Are you putting them down? Absolutely not. Conversations like that happen in my house all the time, and it’s so annoying. I’ll tell the older sister that she looks really pretty, and the little one will pout, saying, “You must not think I’m pretty!” Of course I do. But I wasn’t talking to her. They can both be pretty at the same time.
In the same way, just because I’m saying there’s nothing wrong with being masculine doesn’t mean I’m saying there’s something wrong with a person who isn’t. No matter what gender, political party, or sexually orientated spectrum you fall on, we all complement each other. Everyone brings something unique to the table, and we need all of those things. It’s not a competition. I saw a quote the other day that said, “You can’t compete with me. I want you to win, too.” Exactly!
The cancel culture can try to get rid of a lot of things, but masculinity is not going to be one of them.
Some of us still think it’s sexy.
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